He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
