WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
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