Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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