this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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