There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
