So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
