I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
