Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
