So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
