her vagine was all disorganized.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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