Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I am available for nakedness
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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