i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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