tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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