She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize