The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
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