Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
