she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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