I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize
