Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
