Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
