i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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