I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
