every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
