Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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