Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I enjoy the company of your penis
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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