my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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