My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
