that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
