just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
