K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
