If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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