i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize