hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I am spending my child support on dildos
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
