Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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