Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
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