Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
These tits shall not be calmed
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
