I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
