Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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