I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
