Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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