the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
