Dude my mom stole all your condoms
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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