There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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