Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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