Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
