hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
