I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
