I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
