How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
