This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
