I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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