i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
