Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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