I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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