I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize