Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
