My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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