Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
