maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
