When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
